Unexpected Problem

Today on my scheduled routine check-up with my PCP, previous and current health conditions were discussed. The stubborn allergic rhinitis, 7/10 headache during that "time of the month" and my scoliosis which needs physical therapy were addressed. As my PCP asked me to "breathe in, breathe out" with her stet, she looked worried and I thought if I have pulmonary problem.

"Are you stressed?' she asked bluntly and I said yeah, the usual daily kind. Then she probed further with follow- up questions and before I knew it, she was already on her way to a lengthy discussion-slash- lecture about anxiety and hold my breath, depression.

Literally I do hold my breath, my friends like Loti and Cleng know this. I hold my breath when I trim my nails, when I take a shower, even writing this entry.  Thank goodness for iwatch coz it stubbornly reminds me to "Breathe".

The appointment soon turned out to be a psychological therapy session, I spilled Mamang's demise and how my life and everything about it changed. I was in an offensive guard telling her I am moving on  well these days. I guess I did not convince her quite much, stating in a frank yet non-abrasive manner that my bodily symptoms are somehow linked to my grief. My MD's chunks of wisdom:

• You can't act God. You don't want her to die but all humans will die.You will. I will.
• The Christian way says "Pray!" and do it, it helps. The Buddhist on the other hand says there's a river and you have to cross that river. Part of you will be mad at the river, refusing to cross over, fighting with it. That means you get stuck there and you don't move anywhere.
• Healthy grieving naturally dwindles down in six months, honestly I don't see you really moving on a good pace. Stress builds up in all your systems.
• It is not easy, but you ought to do it. Or else, anxiety and depression may develop. Know the difference between sadness and depression. Look out and listen to your body.

Her words were like punch in my gut and iced water poured all over me at the same time. As nobody truly asked me how was I, nor spoke with me about losing Mamang, my PCP served as God's human instrument to tell me what I needed to hear and for me to speak with honesty that I am still hurting. For once, I was in no pretense of strength. I may have no best friend anymore, I think lengthy chat with my Koyas about Mom won't materialize anytime soon. Talking with the physician who is nonjudgmental was so cathartic.

As my doctor was speaking, I felt Mamang's voice in her, reminding me to be brave and take care of myself.Mom was never a weakling, she fought her life battles with head high and red lipstick plus rosary.

I know she wants me to emulate her tenacity and resilience armed with faith in God and myself.

I will do that. 

I am in no denial. I won't allow anxiety and depression disorders to be written on my medical record.I acknowledge sadness and great deal of stress though.Besides, it's my oft-stated statement, "I will not be depressed, I don't wanna take Prozac!!"

Courage.Strength.Resilience.

"Hearty and Krisy"

I call him my sinister sister. My loyalty for Ate Kris matches his love for Heart. We have the same "birthday" ,we never fail to greet each other every 14th of February.

On my first trip to my favorite city of New York, as we were casually seated on the stairs of MoMa, two millennial ladies asked if they can interview us. Game!!

I guess we are celebrities too in our own crazy world!!:)

Prynz.Friend.Forever.

I MISS YOU

How are you? How is it going up there in heaven?? In my mind and heart, I have no doubt that you are really up there. With all the time you devoted to church and praying and a life spent loving and caring for others, you so deserved a spot to mingle with all your saints, Mang.

I miss you, it now struck me that I won't be having any more new photos of you. I am stuck in looking back all the old pictures and videos (I still have trouble watching them, it hurts harder) stored in my gadgets. To this thank you technology and Facebook.

I miss our old house in Sta.Ana. I just simply miss US. The two of us, I am really ok.

I guess I am missing you more today because I am having this colds and hoarse voice again. And at 41. I just miss being taken cared of by you, Mang.

I will be alright. Sorry if you see me crying now. I just wanna see you and maybe kiss you.

I love you now and forever.

Mamang. Love. Forever.

Our Hallmark Holiday II

Weather forecast in US has high accuracy, I  have the habit of checking on it when I go to places unfamiliar to me and when choosing wardrobe meant for the day's breeze and temperature.:) Days before our travel, my workmates were excited for me, as I announce to all my wish to see , feel, touch snow in America. There's snow forecast on our weekend stay there, yet on Friday, the snow day moved to a Wednesday. I was already happy with the snow that greeted us on our first day, then came the prediction of a weekend snow again. So I think when in Big Bear, simply be ready for what lies ahead and embrace the sudden change in weather.

 We are all working in a demanding world of direct patient care, the hustle and bustle of daily living oftentimes occupy our thoughts and time. So on this travel, we paused and breathed the fresh scent of winter and thanked heavens for the gifts of occupation, time off and togetherness.

We stayed in a two-bedroom and two-full bath cabin complete with necessary amenities. It was our "home" on this winter getaway.

Good morning John!!

Stand on the street.

Weekend neighborhood

Pika Pogi

 We were one in wanting to try local cafes and try their homemade recipes. Grizzly Bear comes on top of the list for good breakfast, we endured an hour of waiting time and I must say it was worth it. True what we heard, the pancakes were as big as human face, they really served more than huge portion. Food was great, the warmth and humor of the crew better.

Like father, ,like son in many ways.

After brunch, Jak wanted to go to the lake so we went for a stop. Snow prediction was at 4 pm, and this is funny. Sorry for my snow innocence- as we were taking photos of the scenery, white tiny "dandruff-like" thingy started to drop I overheard a group of people beside me saying "It's snowing!!" Whoaaa!! There's snowflakes from up above, chilled to the bones and hands numb, I couldn't help but be giddy and stared at heaven to say, "Hi Ma, it's snowing. I know you helped me with my wish."

Let it snow and it snowed.:)

My 41 y/o self finally had an eyeball with snowflakes.

 Thank you The Village for letting us know that Hallmark holiday places really still exist.

A sweet name for our "winter home" city.

Another first- angel snow

Don't be fooled, At has a cray cray side!:)

Our "snow home"

Another first- a real fireplace. At gave in to my desire to see a fireplace that actually works and here it is. I looked back at a Harry Potter scene where they traveled via the fireplace using floo powder.

 On our last night, we opted to have to-go food at Dynasty restaurant and just hang around in the cabin. We played Bingo, yes the four of us and I won 4 dollars. I was dying in laughter to see Chewy so upset that he never won a game!!!:)

Maniglow sa snow.

Here are the photos on our last day. How snow can magically transform everything amazes me. Another gift and blessing to truly truly believe in God.

 I am still described as Ice Queen sporadically but I am not. My strength and resilience do not make my heart cold rather with lessons and experience, they make me see the beauty of life despite the darkness, feel gladness and gratitude despite brokenness.The "cold" bothers me anyway.

Another first- cheddar biscuit with gravy.But just a blah!

Anniversary brekky.

First time to see an Icy road sign.

Thank You Jesus for the safe travel,

This weekend winter break is one of my top happy vacations. I had my fair share of big group kind of travels and I loved them too.This however is different, we were only four , we even stayed in one abode yet for a rare time, "di ako nasuya." My heart was calm and content all the time.

Thank You God for the Big Bear gift. I love it. Till I come back, not very soon though!!:)

Snow. Family.Winter.